Congratulations US, on Never being a Racist Country

Aren’t we fortunate that we live in a country that has always been perfect and never done anything wrong?

Historian and former/future Trump cabinet member, Nikki Haley, did us a service this week by informing us that the United States “has never been a racist country.” This statement followed the incident earlier this month, when Haley expounded on the causes of the Civil War, which were apparently simply some disagreements regarding the power disparities between federal and state governments, not slavery, as many of us had been led to believe. It turns out, according to Haley’s research, that this country never had an issue with racism, slavery, or any other such moral and ethical blemishes on its perfect, righteous record. Needless to say, this was a great relief to me and surely to all the rest of the country. I had, apparently, been misinformed for much of my life about the history of this flawless nation.

It’s my fault, really. I made the mistake of reading historical narratives of recorded events supported by corroborating accounts and documentation. Rather than basing my view of historical reality on logic and reason, I should have been listening to my feelings and what sounded pleasant. I should have relied on what made me feel good. And don’t things always make you feel better when they’re nice, simple, and easy? I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer to feel positive and proud rather than wracked by conscience over perceived incidents and systems of violence and injustice. It’s just more pleasant.

You see, I was under the impression that this nation was founded, dominated, and expanded by white male slave owners, who believed that they were entitled to treat other human beings as subhuman creatures entitled to as little or fewer rights than livestock based on a difference in skin pigmentation, who claimed they had the backing of God in robbing, raping, and slaughtering human beings for having had the audacity to occupy their territory for centuries or millenia prior, and that this theoretical elite class had continued to largely run the country to this day. I thought, just because I had read testimonials and original legal documents, that this country’s laws, policies, and practices had historically treated people differently based on their race and national origin, as well as their gender and sexuality, and their religion and culture, and their physical and mental abilities, and their wealth and class. These so-called “verified facts” led me to believe that the United States had long based the eligibility for citizenship, as well as personhood, on skin color, and restricted immigration based on people’s countries of origin. I actually thought that members of society and even representatives of law enforcement treated people differently based on superficial attributes. Those inconvenient facts made me think that it was only because members of the country’s theoretical, apparently nonexistent, underclass had fought and struggled for much of the country’s history that anyone in this country, who isn’t wealthy, white, and male, even has rights.

What a fool I was.

Well, I’ll never make those mistakes again. From now on, I’ll be taking Dr. Haley’s lead, and basing my view of history on what is positive and convenient. With my heart full of patriotism and my head full of nothing, by golly, I feel better already.