How to get Banned from Tinder

I wish I had a good story. I wish that the tale of my Tinder banning was one filled with tawdry and shameful details, a story of lecherous perversion, rich with obscene behavior and dirty words that earned me my ban. Because a banning should be earned. If I’m to be banned from anything, I’d prefer that it be for some truly outlandish shit.

While it is impossible to know for certain why Tinder banned me, I have a good idea. I’d been talking to a woman for close to two weeks. Things were going well, so I asked her out. She said yes. However, we couldn’t follow through right away because my parents were visiting for the week and I wouldn’t have time. So later, I asked if she’d like to make plans for the coming weekend. She said no. I asked why not. She said she was no longer interested. I replied that that was a cold and fickle response.

In retrospect, I understand that I should have said nothing. She didn’t owe me an explanation, or anything. It would have been better to keep my opinions of her behavior, however cold and fickle I believe it to be, to myself.

That said, I don’t think that warrants my being reported and subsequently banned.

Incidentally, I contacted this girl through another app on which we were chatting, apologizing and politely informing her that if she had in fact reported me, that her action got me banned. She told me to not contact her again, which I had no desire to do and didn’t.

The end. Boring story. I accept and appreciate that I don’t have a right to behave in any way indicating a sense of entitlement on my part, or to say anything remotely rude.

But I think this person overreacted, and that they are perhaps an oversensitive asshole. As a somewhat sensitive asshole myself, I believe this to be the case.

I didn’t curse, and wasn’t particularly insulting, I don’t think. Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t believe in banning anyone from anything unless they’re actually abusive and dangerous in some way. If I knew beforehand that I was going to be banned, I would have liked to have earned it with a more horrendous action.

Some things I would like to have done to earn my ban:

I could have dressed my penis in costumes. Believe it or not, I’ve never sent a dick pic. I’ve taken several, out of curiosity for how my penis would look photographed, from different angles, in high definition. But never have I sent one of those photos to anyone or posted them anywhere. The first costume in which I’d like to dress my erect penis is a tuxedo. That goes without saying. Always start classy. Black bow tie, tails, cummerbund. No pants. Putting pants on a penis is silly, and frankly more obscene. Then I’d have some fun with it, do some cosplay. Using wigs, costumes, makeup, and prosthetics, I’d dress my penis as Vegeta from Dragon Ball, Batman, Karl Marx, Dark Phoenix from X-Men. Yes, my penis would do drag; don’t be a prude. Presuming I found a non-toxic, non-irritating, non-staining paint, I’d make my penis up like the Incredible Hulk, and Dr Manhattan from Watchmen, their faces delicately painted on the head.

I’d have been a lot more explicit in advertising myself on the app. I’d have bragged about the size of my penis, my high stamina and sex drive. I’d have taken some dramatically lit photos of my abs and arm muscles. I may well have told people straight up whether I thought they could be girlfriend material or if I just thought they were cute but lacking any positive qualities beyond that. Tinder is lousy with people who can take a good photo, but are incapable of stringing together a coherent, let alone interesting, thought. I could have told people that they were stupid or obnoxious or unforgivably boring. Not that I wanted to do any of these things. My inclination is to be kind and polite to people. But I could have, and had I done, may have felt a perverse sense of accomplishment in earning my ban.

I should have reported everyone, for any reason or for none at all. Not out of animosity against the people on the app, but against the app. Fuck Tinder. They’re exploiting our societal loneliness and insecurity to monetize profiles based on our actions and expressed interests, profiting from selling our information to advertisers. Fuck them for acting like an exclusive club or a helpful friend when all they are is a pack of shitcaked opportunists. I’d do what I could to get everyone banned or driven off the app, thus tanking the app altogether.

In closing:

People can be oversensitive little assholes. Be careful you don’t rub them the wrong way; they’re liable to shit on you. And Tinder is not only a cesspool of negative emotions, it is run by capricious douchebags. All in all, I’d likely be better off without Tinder. Though, incidentally, I learned it’s easy to get around a Tinder banning. Simply download an app that will give you a new number, like 2ndLine. You’re welcome, creeps.