Porn Stars are People

I used to watch a lot of porn. Probably too much. Still watch some, but nothing compared to, say, from the age of twelve into my early twenties. When watching porn, I have the thought that is surely shared by everyone when they watch porn:

I wonder what this girl is like when she’s at home.

What’s her life been like? How is she in her private life? What does her average day look like?

I never learned the answer to any of those questions back in those days of pornographic excess, but some time ago, a new thought struck me: I wonder what she’s doing now.

The internet is an amazing place. You can learn all manner of shit these days, including the biographies of pornographic actresses. IMDB has bios and credit lists on porn actresses the same as they do for “regular” actors.

When you watch porn on the regular, you know the names (pseudonyms) of the actresses. You have favorites that you follow from one video to another, the way you’d do with the stars of any movie. So when I had that wonder what she’s doing now thought, it was with a specific person in mind: Allie Sin. Back in the day, I had a few of her videos saved in a hidden folder. (It wasn’t only downloaded porn that made my parents’ old computer lousy with viruses. There were also “legitimate” movies and TV series, and tons upon illegal tons of music. Sorry, Mom and Dad.) Can’t explain what prompted me to look Allie up. The thought popped into my head, so I googled, the way I do when any curiosity strikes. Didn’t find out a lot about what Allie’s up to now; she apparently retired from the pornographic acting business at the ripe age of thirty-one, but is said, according to her biographer, to be living in Florida. Poor dear. Her age surprised me. I knew she was older than me, having first seen her perform when I was in my mid-teens, but I wouldn’t have suspected the age gap to be so narrow.

I learned that her real name is Stephanie Lyn Draheim. Didn’t expect that. Not that I go around guessing what strangers’ names are. There was much more biographical detail on her early life than her current activities. Much more even than info on her time in the porn industry. She had the kind of childhood and adolescence that a lazy writer would give to a pornstar character as backstory. Her mother had some illness that made her unfit to care for Allie/Stephanie, and her father was an alcoholic, which made him comparably unqualified. So she spent much of her youth being shuffled around to different foster homes and state run group homes, all of which she ran away from. Then she began working in porn.

She’s also from Flint Michigan. So beginnings beyond humble.

Learning this sort of confirmed a story about Allie/Stephanie that I didn’t know I had. I’m a relatively empathetic person, prone to picking up on the moods of others, and I could tell, watching these videos as a lonely and horny youngin, that this girl was not happy.

That is, however, an assumption that a lot of people seem to have, that porn “stars” are damaged and unhappy people. The damaged part varies. We’re all damaged, and working in porn isn’t proof of someone being more or less damaged than the rest of us. And while surely every person who watches porn is meanwhile thinking to themself, “I wonder if they’re happy. Do they love themselves? Do they enjoy life?” it is a hard thing to judge from the perspective of a private audience member, and undoubtedly ranges far more broadly than most would assume. Allie Sin always had a sorrow to her, a misanthropic affect that showed through her smile, that made me sad to see.

But then there are women like Lily Thai. Born in Hawaii, raised in Austin, Texas. Paid her way through college working as a server at a Sizzler and dancing at strip clubs. It sounds similarly typical to Allie’s, in that it hits a few of the usual checkpoints in the most stereotypical porn actress stories: Pretty, young girl goes from stripping to video pornography as a sideline to fund her life and career.

Then there’s Stoya. Reading her biography, I wonder if she paid for it, wrote it herself, or if it’s that her biographer is enamored with her. Each option seems possible; it’s just such a flattering bio. Reading Stoya’s biography, it would seem she got into the porn industry for the fuck of it. She graduated high school three years ahead of schedule and, based on her biographer’s telling, is intellectually brilliant. Assuming this story, or any of them, are wholly factual, Stoya would fall outside the usual stereotype of porn actresses, as sad, emotionally broken, generally kind of dumb, people. She’s a smart, capable, and beautiful woman with a decent business acumen and a predilection for exhibitionism. The money’s probably really good, too.

Some other women’s post-porn paths: Eve Laurence apparently went on to work in real estate law. Gauge entered the medical field as a surgical technologist, but her past was publicized by an asshole colleague, making it difficult for her to get work and led to her leaving the field. Mason Storm seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth, at least publicly.

The point of all this, if there has to be a point, is that every actress we see in porn is a person. Not another industry comes to mind in which people appear and are often treated as being more devoid of personhood than in porn. But every person has a life, a history, an individual personality. While I won’t recommend everyone go watch porn right now (though, eh, why not), if you watch porn, perhaps happen to be watching porn while reading this (about which, my feelings are mixed), take a moment to consider the person you’re watching, then, if you’re inclined, perhaps research them.