(pretend to) Build that Wall!

A lot of jokes are made about Donald Trump, many implying or outright asserting that he is stupid. Much is made of his bumbling and erratic behavior, his incoherent rambling, his sub-literacy and poor grasp of the English language. We joke so much about how stupid the man is, to sometimes exaggerated extents, that we can lose sight of just how stupid he is in reality. He is in fact quite stupid. But rather than mock or lament his stupidity for amusement or out of frustration, we’d be better served using his stupidity to our advantage.

Trump still wants his stupid fucking wall. He has backed down from his demands that it be “a great, beautiful wall” stretching “from sea to shiny sea,” but hasn’t given up insisting on a “physical barrier,” or offered much in negotiating down the price tag. He’s long since dropped the lie that Mexico would pay for the thing. That in itself should make the whole promise moot. But here we are. The Great Pumpkin wants 5.7 billion in taxpayer dollars to erect the semblance of a wall, which now looks like its been downgraded to steel slats, through which bundles of drugs or thin people could slip with relative ease. He shut down much of the federal government for over a month, throwing the country in chaos, disrupting and in many cases doing irreparable harm to the lives of federal employees, and costing the economy billions more than he’s been begging for his “wall” with the ostensible purpose of holding the country hostage to get what he wants. And there’s a good chance he’ll do so again, despite the damage done the first time to the nation and his already shitty poll numbers. Though for the time being, he appears content to make a feeble pretense at there being a “national emergency,” with the intent of exploiting that to steal the funds congress has bipartisanly denied him.

Members of congress have tried negotiating with him. That’s not the way to go. This is not a person inclined to or capable of negotiation. He’s not a being who in practical terms can be regarded as an adult human with commensurate intelligence and rationality. Barring overpowering him through political cooperation in Congress, which seems a nonstarter so long as Republicans cling to power in opposition of the will of the majority of people, and the Democrats persist in being a pusillanimous pack of punk bitches, and getting around to impeaching, indicting, trying, convicting and imprisoning the ragu-stained lard-mold, there’s but one other option.

We have to give him what he wants.

Does that mean we shell out billions in taxes for his stupid vanity project?

Nope.

What we do is simple: Pretend to build a wall.

As established, Trump is stupid. He is stupid and stubborn and shallow. He cares more about saving face and pleasing his base than he does actually getting anything done, productive or otherwise. Whether or not there is an actual wall built on the southern border is of little consequence, in terms of affecting border crossings, let alone doing anything to decrease the smuggling of drugs. Experts, everyone who’s read reports and statistics on the subject, anyone with a damn bit of sense, knows that there is no crisis being caused by illegal border crossings, and that if there were, a wall would be ineffective in stymying the imagined threat. Some people do cross the border at locations other than official ports of entry, but it’s an insignificant number with regard to the cost of a wall, or slats, to theoretically impede them. Whether or not there is a wall will have little effect on undocumented crossings.

So, to instill a relative peace and order, to appease Trump and the dumber wing of his base, we pretend to build a wall.

Assuming you’ve seen a Godzilla movie or an episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, you know how convincing a low-budget scale model city can be. With advancements in computer imaging being what they are, and the aid of some industrious model-building nerds, it will not be that difficult or expensive to produce video and photos of a huge wall stretching from the Pacific to the Atlantic. But of course, there will have to be photo ops. Trump will need to prance like a douche and gloat in front of his “wall.” Easily done. A few thousand dollars should cover the cost of a segment of wall. Simply ensure that no one looks too far in either direction. Easy peasy. Once there’s film “evidence,” and he’s gotten to stand in front of a wall as “proof” of “the wall’s” existence, problem solved. Plus, he’ll get to brag about how quickly and under-budget the thing was built.

You’re welcome.

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Karl H Christ

Karl H Christ

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